Back in the Day Take Five: 1/24/2009

Apparently I've had a hard time coming up with words for quite a long time:

So here is how it stands: I have not been able to write.  I sit down and stare at the screen until my eyes are tired and still nothing is accomplished.  It has been much too long, but I can’t seem to snap out of this helpless stage of inability.  My mind is overworked.  It never shuts off.  But even with all of the overtime, nothing makes sense.  My previous method of organizing my life on paper doesn’t work anymore.  So what now?  Do I keep writing this piece about not being able to write?  Or do I find a new method of expression?  Maybe I should just wait until my mind has healed and my pen takes life again.  My fear: that will never happen.  I will go on for the rest of my life writing the thoughts of others and little blabbering blurbs like this one that have no substance, no meaning.   Then again, maybe it isn’t my writing that is the problem.  Maybe it is my life.  If my life has no meaning or substance, how could my thoughts and feelings?  That is a disgrace to my standing.  I work hard.  Every hour of the day.  My life is consumed with trying to make a future for myself.  Trying to discover my calling and preparing myself to be able to do my life’s work well.  Of course my life has substance – it just doesn’t feel that way right now.  I feel like I get up every day and go to bed every night without having done anything.  Nothing ever changes.  Nothing ever progresses.  Except for time.  I realize is it immediate gratification I seek.  I suppose I’ve accomplished a lot in the time I’ve had, I just haven’t reached the outcome.  I have another sixteen weeks until I graduate from college.  And then life is a mystery to me.  I have hopes.  Of course I want to find a job that means something to me.  I want to lean to dance.  I want to learn to speak Spanish.  I want to go to grad school.  I want to get married and have children.  And I want it all together.  I want the entire package, wrapped pretty with a big bow and card that says, “Just for you.”  But at this point, anything could happen.  It is no mystery that life can change in a matter of seconds.  And there are a lot of seconds between now and then, whenever “then” is.   But for now I need sleep.  Endless, beautiful, peaceful sleep.  So please, don’t disturb me for the next 6 to 10 hours.  The moments when my brain is at rest are precious.