I recently finished reading "The Peace Giver", by Jame L. Ferrell. The message of forgiveness is very powerful and something I've been needing to remind myself of daily. The basic idea is: the only thing that matters is what YOU say, YOU feel, and YOU do. It doesn't matter how wrong, immoral, mean, bitter, or begrudging another is. How you react creates your future, not theirs (the reverse is also true).
For example, if you feel you are constantly being attacked by another person: everything you do derives criticism, your presence seems to evoke hostility, and kind words are all but unheard of...what are you choices? You can either assume the attitude that it's that person's fault for being negative toward you. Or you can choose the higher road of love, forgiveness, and understanding.
That's not to say you should allow others to abuse you. But when you also allow yourself to be clouded by hurt or anger, chances are you will both miss something important.
On the flip side of the example, if you feel you are being plagued by one who is lazy, self-centered, irresponsible, or defiant...are your choices any different?
My answer is no. The two paths are always the same, no matter the situation. Either blame or love. There is really no middle ground.
In the end, it doesn't matter if another chooses to forgive you, or even to change their ways. All that matters is that you learn to free yourself from the poison of polluted emotions. In other words:
"The follower of Christ seeks for the nature of Christ, a nature which does more than quench anger, but rather a nature in which the is no anger. Our task in living the gospel is not simply to become more disciplined, as commendable as that might appear to be; our task is to have our dispositions changed" (Joseph Fielding McConkie, Robert L. Millet, & Brent L. Top).
One more point I want to make comes from a book called The Compound Effect, by Darren Hardy. We hear a true story of how what we feel and see can have a tremendous affect on our relationships with those around us. One of Darren's friends was very unhappy in his marriage. This man was constantly complaining about his wife to Darren. On the other hand, Darren had a good relationship with his wife. However, it was the season of Thanksgiving and thinking of his friend's situation gave Darren the idea to keep a gratitude journal about his wife. Every day for an entire year Darren wrote one thing about his wife he was grateful for that day. It could have been the way she styled her hair, a dinner she made, a simple smile or kind word. Anything he felt the slightest bit of gratitude about counted. Three hundred and sixty five days later, on the next Thanksgiving, Darren presented his wife with this journal. Understandably, she was so touched it brought tears to her eyes.
However, Darren's objective in sharing this story was not to show how he had made his wife feel good. It was to explain that the person who benefited most from the experience was him! He had the opportunity to see his wife with new eyes. He purposefully worked to look at her from a positive perspective, which in turn allowed him to see her clearer than he ever had before.
Consequently, Darren told his friend all about it. His friend, the one who was miserable with his wife, decided to give it a try. He, too, began to work to find one thing every single day he could record about his wife that he was grateful for. Of course, it wasn't easy at first. He had spent so much time feeling bitter, hurt, and victimized by her it was very hard to break out of the habit. But, with practice it became easier. And amazingly, their entire relationship improved. By him focusing on simple, small, positive things about his bride, he began to think, feel, and act differently toward her. That's not to say there were any obvious changes. I'm sure it was all very subtle. But because HE changed toward her, she (unconsciously of course) became more positive toward him.
I cannot remember if this man ever presented his wife with the journal he kept. I cannot remember is she ever even learned of it. But it doesn't matter. The purpose was not to change her in any way. The purpose was to change him.
By learning to let go of anger and negativity - not just overcome, but eliminate it - we become better people from the inside out. And what's more...we become happier.
Yes, I know this is all easier said than done. We will never be perfect. We will often fall short. But I think it's better to work hard toward becoming someone and ultimately happier than to allow the world to beat me down until I'm nothing.
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