Ventings of a Working Mom

I despise not staying home with my baby.  I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  I thought is sounded terrible when I was growing up.  But the closer I got to motherhood the more important it seemed.  And now I grieve for it.  How could I not want to absorb every smile, snort, and spit up?  When we're home together the world is right.  Instead, I have to wake her up at the crack of dawn, drag her into the cold, and leave her for another person to take care of along with all the other kids she watches.  She doesn't get that special one-on-one attention only I can provide.  She has become a business arrangement.  What could possibly be worse?  Everyone said that it would get better, or at least more bearable.  But the older she gets, the cuter she gets, the more she can express herself, it just gets harder.  What if I miss her first word?  Her first crawl?  Her first steps?  My heart aches for her when she's asleep in her crib in the other room...even when she's asleep in my arms.  I don't know how I keep surviving every working day miles away from her.  I adore her laughs and smiles when I walk through the door.  They make my heart sing.  But I would like nothing more than to be able to experience those laughs and smiles, along with the cries and the tantrums, all day long.  Don't get me wrong...I love my job.  I really do.  Well, most days....  I love being able to help people and make a difference in their lives.  I love my co-workers.  I work with the best people ever.  Unfortunately, none of that can compare to the little leech I have at home.  She is the best employer I can imagine.  And the paycheck...pure love.  Why would anyone want to be paid anything else?